Standing by the water.

Here we are. Sunday afternoon. Alone but not lonely. I have two cans of beer by my side. I like beer. It helps me think. Thinking is what I need to do right now. Like that philosopher said, 'I think therefore I am,". At one point though, maybe I think too much, and I should get to doing more things instead. Whatever.

Blaring from my laptop is "Heroes" by David Bowie. I heard it first in a movie featuring Emma Watson, and she was the one I remembered most from that movie. I remember the protagonist getting to touch her boob, and I was like...what I'd give to be in his place. Emma Watson is pretty lovely.

There's nothing pervy about it, a guy's fascination with boobs, or the female body. It's soft, and it holds a lot of secrets. It's warm. And it's alive. Nothing beats hugs, kisses, touches, and all those things from a member of the opposite sex. It's more than a physical thing - it's also a mental and emotional connection. When I touch someone, on one side, there's me, asking for permission, and then there's her, and her body is going like..."Go ahead," and so that's what I do/did/will do.

I take another sip of beer. The can has a metallic taste, but I like it. As the beer goes down, it leaves a trail of bitterness. It feels like the dark-side of life. Usually, we drink soft drinks, coffee, milo and other sweet things. Beer is the necessary 'yin' to the 'yang' of sweet drinks. Water cleanses, sweet drinks rejuvenates and beer keeps you going. At least, that's how I feel.

"We could be heroes. Just for one day."

It's peaceful, and I like peace. There's nothing much going on, and to some extent, I don't mind, but to a large extent, I can't not mind it, because if nothing's going on, then nothing's going on, and it scares me that...other people might be moving ahead, without me. My biggest fear is getting left behind - opening my eyes and realizing that all my friends, peers, family members have left me behind.

Am I growing fast enough? Am I getting there? Why can't I be better? Point is, I'm in no way satisfied with the current state of things, but I don't really know what to do about it. It'll be fine if I'm not the only one facing this struggle, but it seems like other people have got most things figured out.

If I were to use an analogy, I'd use the drowning man. He's drowning...but thank god there's straws at him to grab at. But there's too many straws. Which one should he choose? He doesn't know. At the same time he's drowning. Surely he'll sink...it's inevitable. Or maybe the straws will slowly fade, and soon, his hands will have nothing to hold on to, and all that's left is for him to drown, and sink, and be eaten by the fishes and the bottom-dwellers of the river.

I just burped. Twice.

2. Double-Tap

Something happened today and it put me in a bad mood. I'm not going to go into any details, but I will tell you that it reminded me of Zombieland.

Zombieland is a movie where the world is overrun by zombies (duh). The story centres around a dude who has survived by following a few golden rules. One of them is to double-tap. Killing a zombie once isn't enough - you need to hit it again just to be certain.

The same applies to a relationship, I guess. It doesn't quite end when you split ways. It ends when you move on. To put it visually, it's like standing together and holdings hands - to break up is to let go of her hand, and to move on is to walk away. With me, she let go of my hand. And I guess she walked away too. I called out to her, cried out even, but she continued walking.

And I stood in place. And maybe I'm still standing in place. What does it mean to actually move on? Man, I don't know. I'm okay, actually, most of the time, but then I fall back into remembering all the could-haves, and then thinking about all the maybes, and the chances and opportunities that I can take; the what-ifs in life that keep us hoping.

I'll be fine. I hope.

1. Effortless.

Saturday morning. In school. The library is quiet. I doubt that anyone is actually studying yet - it's still too early. And what's more, it's the weekends. If you're studying on a weekend morning, you're doing it wrong. You're defying years of Saturday and Sunday morning cartoons, of lying in front of the couch and just stoning your day away.

Yesterday evening, I stayed over in school to study for the first and hopefully last time. I didn't have to do it, on hindsight. There's plenty of time, but the opportunity presented itself, so why not? I managed to finish up the remainder of my MA syllabus, and all that's left for me is to do the practice papers, which are painful. Imagine banging your head against the wall for hours on end, to the music of Kesha, in the hot sun on a terrible summer's day. Yes, just like that.

I always fancied myself as being better than most people, even though I have no proof. I guess I know myself best (duh), and this gives me some authority to comment on myself. So when it comes to modules in university, while others were struggling, I'm supposed to...breeze through it. Because I'm intelligent as hell. But university grounds you to a certain extent, I guess. It knocks you off your pedestal, and if you're too high up, you're going to hit the ground hard.

That's what's happening right now in MA. It's getting better though, on the bright side. I'm learning the system, and my brain is getting accustomed to the way of thinking that the subject demands. The real struggle in university comes when your brain is forced to adopt to so many systems. For example, with Management of People at Work, you're thinking in terms of people, and their individual differences - qualitative stuff. Then you switch to MA, and you're thinking about numbers, and cutting of costs.

It's not impossible to switch, but my brain's just not at the stage where it can shift conveniently just yet. I've got some ways to go.

The past few weeks, I've just been....studying. I'm enjoying myself, because I've got good friends to study with, and there's also a certain satisfaction that comes from learning and mastery. But what about after the exams? I'm thinking about the future all over again, and it's exciting and terrible all at the same time, because you don't know what's going on, but anything can happen, and it's awesome as hell.

Gulp.

November 28th. Thursday. Loss.

I had a chance to watch this movie called "You Are The Apple of My Eye" yesterday evening. It's the exams period, but I found myself at that lull between papers - my next one is only on Monday and Wednesday. Once I start studying, I don't stop, so if I started early, it'll be a battle all the way until then. As such, I took a break.

It's a love story about a guy and that girl he liked when he was in secondary school, and how that loved develops over the years. At first, they don't even know each other, and then, bit by bit, they start to interact, and everything unfolds from there. There's sweet moments, bitter sweet moments, and plain bitter moments.

It's interesting, because I guess everybody can relate to that feeling, and everybody's trying to get back that feeling, because it's nice. But then again, I guess that that feeling is just a luxury, in the sense that...back then we were so carefree. No longer. No longer.

I want to be lovestruck, but I'm busy being life-struck. I realize that time is flowing, and that it's not waiting for me, and that if I don't get my act together now, there's a high chance that I never will. I feel very inadequate at the moment, you see, but that's not because I'm not awesome, or anything like that. It's because my benchmark for awesome is not there.

Quantifiable things are good, but life is full of things that aren't readily quantifiable.

I'll end it on that note. I think I should start studying for my papers. Exams aren't important, to me, but you might as well do well in them.

Project December

I haven't written much at all these past few months. Despite all my initial resolve and fire to blog and write more regularly, I have nothing much to show now. I think it's just the way life works. Or maybe it's just me. I begin things in earnest, but when reality catches up to me, I drop it just like that.

It's exams season now in SMU. Most of the days are spent studying, trying to catch up to things which you should have studied, and trying to internalize everything that you should have learned. I would be having an easier time now if I had worked harder or paid more attention during lessons, but I didn't.

I kind of regret it. One of the papers I'm studying for is Finance 101. I used to think that it difficult, but the more I get into it, the more I realize that it's not that big of a deal. As I do more questions and as I understand the "hard" concepts, I grow to like it more and more. Perhaps it's Stockholm Syndrome at work...but the problem here is that now, I've already chosen my modules for the next term, and I've sort of decided on the path that I'm going to take.

But maybe I just might change...

Oh well. If I take Finance, I'll go down "that" route. But I don't want to go down any route just yet. I still harbour dreams of being a superstar, of being...somebody. What's my definition of somebody? I want to be known, and successful, without having to change the fundamentals of who I am. I want to write and be successful, tweet and be successful, live and be successful. I guess this will justify the way I've been living, and justification is something I need, because it feels like nothing much is going right.

But I don't want to change.

Anyway, this post is titled Project December, and serves as a prelude to well, Project December. All through December, I'll make a post. It will be about anything, and everything. Actually, I might even do my own NaNoWriMo if inspiration strikes me. I'll see how it goes. December is the "winter" break (although let's be honest to ourselves, the only coldness we feel is the one in our hearts), and I think I'll have more free time to do whatever.

See you on December 1st.

Long Days

I am very sleepy. Today was such a long day. Oh man. Tired. Going to nap. I want to write more tomorrow, and I shall.

Find My Voice

Today was quite good. I didn't do much at the start, and I was very antsy. I couldn't really focus on my work. And then half-way through the day, I misplaced my matric card, and couldn't settle down. I finally found it, in some corner of the studio, but it took a while for me to be ready for anything again. My heart was really pounding - if I were to spend another $50 replacing my matric card, I'd stab myself. In the eye.

I resolved to go for a jog at the gym, and it turned my day around. CTV training was fun, and after that, we got some beer from Cheers and just chilled out at the Studio. It's a really nice place - it's home, for lack of a better word. I bumped into a JC friend too, and she was having beer with some of her friends, whom I knew too, so I joined them for a little while.

It was great fun.

It's packed all the way through Saturday. There's a Finance midterm on Saturday which I'm not fully prepared for, so I'll be spending the whole of tomorrow getting ready for that. There's two meetings tomorrow two, and a few more things to settle in between, and then Law Musical at the end of the day. I could have picked a better timing, but oh well. Saturday is plenty busy too, because after the midterms, there's a whole host of stuff to be cleared.

It's life. It's fun, it's busy, and it's really tiring. Sometimes, I find myself switching off, and zoning out, and being really tired. I think what's important is to find the things which will set you right again. For me, it's exercising. And coffee. And enough rest. Speaking of rest, I should sleep. Goodnight!