Standing by the water.

Here we are. Sunday afternoon. Alone but not lonely. I have two cans of beer by my side. I like beer. It helps me think. Thinking is what I need to do right now. Like that philosopher said, 'I think therefore I am,". At one point though, maybe I think too much, and I should get to doing more things instead. Whatever.

Blaring from my laptop is "Heroes" by David Bowie. I heard it first in a movie featuring Emma Watson, and she was the one I remembered most from that movie. I remember the protagonist getting to touch her boob, and I was like...what I'd give to be in his place. Emma Watson is pretty lovely.

There's nothing pervy about it, a guy's fascination with boobs, or the female body. It's soft, and it holds a lot of secrets. It's warm. And it's alive. Nothing beats hugs, kisses, touches, and all those things from a member of the opposite sex. It's more than a physical thing - it's also a mental and emotional connection. When I touch someone, on one side, there's me, asking for permission, and then there's her, and her body is going like..."Go ahead," and so that's what I do/did/will do.

I take another sip of beer. The can has a metallic taste, but I like it. As the beer goes down, it leaves a trail of bitterness. It feels like the dark-side of life. Usually, we drink soft drinks, coffee, milo and other sweet things. Beer is the necessary 'yin' to the 'yang' of sweet drinks. Water cleanses, sweet drinks rejuvenates and beer keeps you going. At least, that's how I feel.

"We could be heroes. Just for one day."

It's peaceful, and I like peace. There's nothing much going on, and to some extent, I don't mind, but to a large extent, I can't not mind it, because if nothing's going on, then nothing's going on, and it scares me that...other people might be moving ahead, without me. My biggest fear is getting left behind - opening my eyes and realizing that all my friends, peers, family members have left me behind.

Am I growing fast enough? Am I getting there? Why can't I be better? Point is, I'm in no way satisfied with the current state of things, but I don't really know what to do about it. It'll be fine if I'm not the only one facing this struggle, but it seems like other people have got most things figured out.

If I were to use an analogy, I'd use the drowning man. He's drowning...but thank god there's straws at him to grab at. But there's too many straws. Which one should he choose? He doesn't know. At the same time he's drowning. Surely he'll sink...it's inevitable. Or maybe the straws will slowly fade, and soon, his hands will have nothing to hold on to, and all that's left is for him to drown, and sink, and be eaten by the fishes and the bottom-dwellers of the river.

I just burped. Twice.

2. Double-Tap

Something happened today and it put me in a bad mood. I'm not going to go into any details, but I will tell you that it reminded me of Zombieland.

Zombieland is a movie where the world is overrun by zombies (duh). The story centres around a dude who has survived by following a few golden rules. One of them is to double-tap. Killing a zombie once isn't enough - you need to hit it again just to be certain.

The same applies to a relationship, I guess. It doesn't quite end when you split ways. It ends when you move on. To put it visually, it's like standing together and holdings hands - to break up is to let go of her hand, and to move on is to walk away. With me, she let go of my hand. And I guess she walked away too. I called out to her, cried out even, but she continued walking.

And I stood in place. And maybe I'm still standing in place. What does it mean to actually move on? Man, I don't know. I'm okay, actually, most of the time, but then I fall back into remembering all the could-haves, and then thinking about all the maybes, and the chances and opportunities that I can take; the what-ifs in life that keep us hoping.

I'll be fine. I hope.

1. Effortless.

Saturday morning. In school. The library is quiet. I doubt that anyone is actually studying yet - it's still too early. And what's more, it's the weekends. If you're studying on a weekend morning, you're doing it wrong. You're defying years of Saturday and Sunday morning cartoons, of lying in front of the couch and just stoning your day away.

Yesterday evening, I stayed over in school to study for the first and hopefully last time. I didn't have to do it, on hindsight. There's plenty of time, but the opportunity presented itself, so why not? I managed to finish up the remainder of my MA syllabus, and all that's left for me is to do the practice papers, which are painful. Imagine banging your head against the wall for hours on end, to the music of Kesha, in the hot sun on a terrible summer's day. Yes, just like that.

I always fancied myself as being better than most people, even though I have no proof. I guess I know myself best (duh), and this gives me some authority to comment on myself. So when it comes to modules in university, while others were struggling, I'm supposed to...breeze through it. Because I'm intelligent as hell. But university grounds you to a certain extent, I guess. It knocks you off your pedestal, and if you're too high up, you're going to hit the ground hard.

That's what's happening right now in MA. It's getting better though, on the bright side. I'm learning the system, and my brain is getting accustomed to the way of thinking that the subject demands. The real struggle in university comes when your brain is forced to adopt to so many systems. For example, with Management of People at Work, you're thinking in terms of people, and their individual differences - qualitative stuff. Then you switch to MA, and you're thinking about numbers, and cutting of costs.

It's not impossible to switch, but my brain's just not at the stage where it can shift conveniently just yet. I've got some ways to go.

The past few weeks, I've just been....studying. I'm enjoying myself, because I've got good friends to study with, and there's also a certain satisfaction that comes from learning and mastery. But what about after the exams? I'm thinking about the future all over again, and it's exciting and terrible all at the same time, because you don't know what's going on, but anything can happen, and it's awesome as hell.

Gulp.

November 28th. Thursday. Loss.

I had a chance to watch this movie called "You Are The Apple of My Eye" yesterday evening. It's the exams period, but I found myself at that lull between papers - my next one is only on Monday and Wednesday. Once I start studying, I don't stop, so if I started early, it'll be a battle all the way until then. As such, I took a break.

It's a love story about a guy and that girl he liked when he was in secondary school, and how that loved develops over the years. At first, they don't even know each other, and then, bit by bit, they start to interact, and everything unfolds from there. There's sweet moments, bitter sweet moments, and plain bitter moments.

It's interesting, because I guess everybody can relate to that feeling, and everybody's trying to get back that feeling, because it's nice. But then again, I guess that that feeling is just a luxury, in the sense that...back then we were so carefree. No longer. No longer.

I want to be lovestruck, but I'm busy being life-struck. I realize that time is flowing, and that it's not waiting for me, and that if I don't get my act together now, there's a high chance that I never will. I feel very inadequate at the moment, you see, but that's not because I'm not awesome, or anything like that. It's because my benchmark for awesome is not there.

Quantifiable things are good, but life is full of things that aren't readily quantifiable.

I'll end it on that note. I think I should start studying for my papers. Exams aren't important, to me, but you might as well do well in them.

Project December

I haven't written much at all these past few months. Despite all my initial resolve and fire to blog and write more regularly, I have nothing much to show now. I think it's just the way life works. Or maybe it's just me. I begin things in earnest, but when reality catches up to me, I drop it just like that.

It's exams season now in SMU. Most of the days are spent studying, trying to catch up to things which you should have studied, and trying to internalize everything that you should have learned. I would be having an easier time now if I had worked harder or paid more attention during lessons, but I didn't.

I kind of regret it. One of the papers I'm studying for is Finance 101. I used to think that it difficult, but the more I get into it, the more I realize that it's not that big of a deal. As I do more questions and as I understand the "hard" concepts, I grow to like it more and more. Perhaps it's Stockholm Syndrome at work...but the problem here is that now, I've already chosen my modules for the next term, and I've sort of decided on the path that I'm going to take.

But maybe I just might change...

Oh well. If I take Finance, I'll go down "that" route. But I don't want to go down any route just yet. I still harbour dreams of being a superstar, of being...somebody. What's my definition of somebody? I want to be known, and successful, without having to change the fundamentals of who I am. I want to write and be successful, tweet and be successful, live and be successful. I guess this will justify the way I've been living, and justification is something I need, because it feels like nothing much is going right.

But I don't want to change.

Anyway, this post is titled Project December, and serves as a prelude to well, Project December. All through December, I'll make a post. It will be about anything, and everything. Actually, I might even do my own NaNoWriMo if inspiration strikes me. I'll see how it goes. December is the "winter" break (although let's be honest to ourselves, the only coldness we feel is the one in our hearts), and I think I'll have more free time to do whatever.

See you on December 1st.

Long Days

I am very sleepy. Today was such a long day. Oh man. Tired. Going to nap. I want to write more tomorrow, and I shall.

Find My Voice

Today was quite good. I didn't do much at the start, and I was very antsy. I couldn't really focus on my work. And then half-way through the day, I misplaced my matric card, and couldn't settle down. I finally found it, in some corner of the studio, but it took a while for me to be ready for anything again. My heart was really pounding - if I were to spend another $50 replacing my matric card, I'd stab myself. In the eye.

I resolved to go for a jog at the gym, and it turned my day around. CTV training was fun, and after that, we got some beer from Cheers and just chilled out at the Studio. It's a really nice place - it's home, for lack of a better word. I bumped into a JC friend too, and she was having beer with some of her friends, whom I knew too, so I joined them for a little while.

It was great fun.

It's packed all the way through Saturday. There's a Finance midterm on Saturday which I'm not fully prepared for, so I'll be spending the whole of tomorrow getting ready for that. There's two meetings tomorrow two, and a few more things to settle in between, and then Law Musical at the end of the day. I could have picked a better timing, but oh well. Saturday is plenty busy too, because after the midterms, there's a whole host of stuff to be cleared.

It's life. It's fun, it's busy, and it's really tiring. Sometimes, I find myself switching off, and zoning out, and being really tired. I think what's important is to find the things which will set you right again. For me, it's exercising. And coffee. And enough rest. Speaking of rest, I should sleep. Goodnight!

#jokes

Ughh. Long day. Had a 3-hour lecture in the morning which basically disregarded MBTI. My personality-type, according to that test, is INFP, and I like being an INFP. I'm supposed to be a healer, an idealist...the next Shakespeare. When my professor came and dismissed it, I felt inclined to argue back, but I didn't. I did raise up some interesting points at some other part of the class, so yeah, I'm quite happy for that.

My group ambushed the professor during the break, and I think we took up way too much time. Some group mates just kept asking questions. I hope my classmates didn't mind.

After MPW was my Marketing Quiz. I had a lot of apprehension coming into the quiz, because I didn't read the textbook in great detail. It was too many pages, and...yeah, I got lazy. I skimmed through, paying attention when I felt like it, when I saw bold or italic-ed words, and when I saw a pretty picture. In the end, I think the paper was quite simple. Glad that it went okay.

Lunch at Koufu with some random BE people, and then a Management Accounting meeting. We had a consultation with our professor. She's a really nice lady! After the consultation, we had a group meeting which went slightly crazy. I'm with 4 girls, and it's fun! I'm not sure whether our project is going in the right direction, but at least we have quite a good name for our proposed cafe. It's called Owls&. It's pronounced "Owls And." And what? I don't know man, but it's awesome.

After MA meeting, I went to the gym, and then I went for dinner at Koufu (again), and then I had a meeting, which was more fun than I anticipated. I don't know why I was dreading it. It's for VPH, this event I'm organizing. Things are coming together, yet there are some...shortcomings. Nothing to be done about it though. It's complicated this year, and it's taking a real effort to make sure that things are ironed out nicely.

Went home with my friend and then here I am! I wanted to study finance for a little bit, but my excuse is that my brain isn't working properly now, so anything I try to study is futile. Instead, I read through my marketing project case study. Looks doable!

No school tomorrow, thankfully, but I'll be spending the day studying Finance. Whee. Okay, I'm OUT!

Let us make a name for ourselves.

Here I am again. Today was a relatively good day. I went to study with a friend at Changi Centre Point, and there I met her other friend, and just like that, I made a friend. Later in the evening, I met this friend's boyfriend, and what do you know, yet another friend.

Okay, I'm not sure whether that qualifies as friendship, but I like it - meeting new people, learning about who they are and what they're all about. People are really interesting, and I guess it's especially fun when there's no vested interest in meeting them. You know, you're not networking, or collaborating...just people connecting.

My productivity wasn't at it's best. Couldn't settle into the environment. We were at Coffee Bean at first, but we got chased out because they have a strict policy regarding using their place to study during peak hours. We moved to this other place called Barista, and it's not bad. It's empty, at least, and there's power plugs, and Wi-Fi, and it should really be getting more attention that it deserves.

I caught up a bit on Finance and I really liked it. I think I'm not very suited to learning in a classroom setting. They always emphasize on the interaction that is so prominent in a seminar, but realistically speaking, this is very limited in content-heavy subjects like Finance and Management Accounting. I don't have what it takes to pay attention, but when I go back and do my own studying, everything falls into place.

Maybe I just need to prepare better for seminars so I won't get lost so easily. Oh well, I'll try to prepare better.

Dinner was at Texas Fried Chicken. I wanted to eat less. Oh well. Two pieces of chicken. It's inevitable that you compare it to Popeyes. I must say that I prefer Popeyes. The chicken just taste more...juicy? Tasty? Whatever. The mashed potato at Popeyes and the biscuits are way better too.

Okay, I'm out. There's a Marketing Quiz tomorrow worth 18%. It's relatively simple - 25 MCQ and 2 Short-Answer Questions...but the fact that it's worth almost a fifth of my grade is worrying, so I'm going to do a bit of revision before going off to sleep.

Goodnight friends!

Force.

I am forcing myself to write. I don't have a clear message, or purpose, but I write on anyway. It's like how sometimes, you put an empty canvas in front of you, and you cross your fingers and you hope that something good will come out of it. It's the same with this. As the words fill the empty space, I hope that something wonderful will be produced. It's heartening, to an extent, because where once, there was nothing, now, there is something.

Where once, me and you had no connection, as you read this, we forge one, and I hope that you can get to know me better. Because you know me, of my existence, I feel more alive. I'm not sure whether that makes sense.

There are specific things that I want to write about, but I can't. I physically and emotionally can't. It's like when I begin to think about it, my breathing gets ragged, my mind becomes empty and I shiver and shake. It's quite bad. Maybe one day...but not today. Not anytime soon too.

School is in full-swing and the midterms, quizzes and presentations are knocking at my door. I sit in front of my laptop and I ignore those knocks. Or at least try to. Right now, it doesn't feel particularly important - all these things. Ultimately, I don't know how this will affect me in the long run. The grades will, for sure, but I think that scoring wouldn't be a problem. Or maybe I'm disillusioned.

I want to focus better. I want to find out what I want to do, what I meant to do. And I want to dedicate my life to a higher purpose. Right now, I'm just going through it, and it's making me very uncomfortable. I'm starting to question everything that I do, questioning every single day. I'm still keeping up, and doing my work, but I think my motivations are wrong. I don't want to look bad, ever, and there is the root of my problem - I'm seeking validation base on how others see me, and not whether I actually like what I'm doing.

But maybe that's the way life is? I don't know. If you can tell me, great, go ahead.

Please, blow my mind.

Behind the scenes.

This afternoon marked the end of the BEhind The Scenes camp organized by my CCA, SMU Broadcast and Entertainment. It's an anomaly of a camp - most camps happen over summer. It's already two weeks into the semester, classes are in sessions, homeworks are due, yet, here we are, spending a whole weekend in school. 

I didn't like the idea at first, and I still don't, but I enjoyed myself nevertheless. I like my CCA, and I like the people in it. I like the freshies I had, and the experiences we had, even just slacking around randomly, were enjoyable. 

We have a whole bunch of very enthusiastic freshmen coming in. While the camp wasn't successful, or particularly good in itself, I think that having such a lively crowd elevated the camp to greater heights. Fantastic performances were had and amazing videos were aired. The worry now is whether we as a CCA will be able to accomodate their energy. Our fundamentals aren't quite there yet, to be honest.

But on another subject, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching. I have a problem. I don't know quite know what I'm doing with my life. Umm...I guess not many people do...but I want to put myself to task as soon as possible. I want to find a path, and then go down that path, and never fucking look back.

I'll be posting more often now. Good news for all!

First Day

It's nice to be back in school again. During summer, there's this constant worry that you need to make full use of your time, to live life to the fullest, to do something worthwhile, and to have fun. When I'm in school, there's less of this pressure, and in a way, I'm relieved.

Sure, things will get hard and heavy once again, but for now, I'm just rolling with it. It's a renewed focus, which has been missing in my life, for a while now. I didn't have school today, but I went anyway. Gymed in the morning, had lunch at Sunshine Plaza, hang around, and then had a meeting. A typical day in SMU.

Tomorrow, my first lesson will begin. Maybe only then will reality really sink in. I just went through my first set of slides. It doesn't seem that tough. There's homework, which I should really do, but...first lesson lah, just chill first, hor?

Some of my friends are thinking about their future, and so am I. It's very exciting. Once my event is out of the way, I'll be focusing on...I don't know. Something! It'll be awesome. I trust that I'll find my way...I just need to free myself up. Maybe I've been trying so hard to fill that damn cup...maybe somebody will fill that cup for me? I don't know hahaha.

Okay, out.

On Summer

It's been a long summer, but I feel like I've achieved very little. I did a lot, but in the overall scheme of things, where does it all fit in? I don't know myself. Maybe everything I did will pay off, and maybe it won't. Who knows. All I know is that I'm really tired of it, and I need a break. I need to take a step back, and look at where things stand. Because the thing is...I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I can't stand it anymore.

Time will pass whether we like it or not, and we grow older, and there are many things we can accomplish in that little precious time. It pains me, physically at this point, that I'm not going in the direction that I want to go.

I'm doing things, and I'm busy, but there's a big difference between doing things and living life. I want to live, and live by my own terms, on my own accord. I feel suffocated, at times. Like there's a huge boa constrictor which has coiled itself around me. It has it's body around mine, my legs and my arms are immobilized, and it's wrapped itself around my neck. I can still breathe, but at the same time, I can't.

Did I have fun? Yes. Did I make friends? Yes. Did I learn from this whole experience? Yes. But I still feel this way, and I can't help that I feel this way, so something must be wrong.

So what happens now? I don't know, really. All I know is I've got to take charge of my own life, and live it on my own terms. As I lay away at night, I realize that...for now, I'm alone in this. Okay, that's a bit overly-dramatic, but not too far from the truth. I don't think many people can relate to the inner-turmoil, and whatever bullshit that I'm facing. That's not to say that other people don't have problems, but I'm always very...independent in the way that I face them. I take it upon myself too much, and I beat myself black and blue over everything, even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm not Superman, but I'm trying to be. Nobody expects me to be Superman; I expect me to be Superman. Who's the first person that Superman has to save? Superman has to save himself.

PS: Please don't judge. I'm just trying to be a better person. Also, writing like this makes me feel loads better.

New T-Shirt Alert

Hello there. It's been a while. It's been a tiring and stressful couple of weeks. Summer, they call it. But for me, it's been busy and tiring and I don't ever want to do this anymore. Essentially, I signed myself up for too many things, and by the time I realize that it's too many things, it's too late for me to back out. Now, I have to grit my teeth and slowly cross events off. I do my best, and I try to make the most out of things...but it's nevertheless exhausting.

When you're tired, you start to lose sight of yourself. And that's what I've been all this time - tired. And when you're tired all the time, you forget who you are anymore. I haven't been running, and reading, and writing - things which used to define me. I haven't lost interest. I just lost the time and energy to pursue them actively.

On the bright side, things are starting to wind down. I can finally breathe easier. Coming up are more manageable things, less stressful things. I'm going to try to take it easy, but I realize that taking things easy doesn't come naturally to me. I get stressed, and I panic, and I tire myself out. I do an okay job at the end of the day, I guess, but if I have to go through so much pain, then it's not really worth it , is it?

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Man, I hope not. It's so depressing to think about. I want to be carefree again. I want to be myself again. I want to not worry about so many things again. 

I want to do whatever the fuck I want to do again. I haven't been selfish enough.

Anyway, earlier today, I popped by Zara and I made a purchase. I don't generally buy things on an impulse, but this t-shirt was just too perfect. 

I don't know what it's supposed to mean when I wear it. Does my life rock? I don't know. Is it an ironic tee? I don't know. All I know is that it's the kind of tee which will have people scratching their heads, and wondering what the hell. There's also a pun in there too, and I like puns which rock.

Actually...I have many things to be thankful for. Despite all the things I'm involved in, there are people (1 person particularly :)) who've stuck with me through it all, and have been very supportive. I'm eternally grateful. I've also met some great people, so it's not all terrible. I'm learning too, and I'm growing, and I hope I'll come out as a better person from all of this.

I just don't want to be so tired anymore hahaha. It'll all be over in the next coming two weeks. I wish for the strength to go through it with enthusiasm, energy...and just...I want to do my best, yeah.

See you soon! I'll try to post again tomorrow, but no promises. I'm shit with promises. :\ 

Best foot forward.

It's been about a year since my last marathon. I recall fondly those days I spent running. It was an everyday thing - I either ran really early in the morning or late in the evening. I planned my days and my weeks around running. You have to, you see. You can't just run distances exceeding 20km on a whim. Before that, you need to get enough rest, ingest to right nutrition, and make sure the weather's not too hot. When I didn't run, it's because I had to rest, and when I missed a run, I felt like there was something missing from my day.

Of course, those days are long gone. I had more free time then. When I started running regularly, I was in the army. Running was part of the routine, and even on days where we didn't run, there was time to do it on your own. The camp I was in had a fantastic running route, and a track, and a gym, and I loved it. After seeing some seniors wearing the marathon shirts, I finally gathered up the courage to sign up for my first marathon, and I took it seriously. If you know me, you'd know that I take most things seriously. If they can do it, then why can't I?

I trained hard for 6 months, and finished with an impressive timing of 4hr25mins. The run was a breeze initially, as with all marathons, and then I started suffering. My legs turned to steel, my breathing became more ragged, etc, so on and so forth. I grit my teeth, pulled through, and when I crossed the finish line, I felt happy. I reached home in the morning, took a nap, and went out that very same afternoon, fatigued, but walking around proudly in my hard-earned finisher tee.

The marathon itself was painful, but I really liked the experience. And I thought that I could have done better. And I still had the luxury of being able to run. So I signed up for yet another one. I trained harder than ever, incorporating fartleks and hill runs, reading up on running literature, and increasing my overall mileage. If you had been my friend on FB then, you would have seen me posting that I had just run 22km, 24km and my maximum, 34km.

Running's a very solitary activity, at least, that's how I view it. It's intensely meditative. Kind of like how monks sit cross-legged with their eyes closed, only I'm on the move, feet stomping in rhythm, breathing vigorously, trying not to think about the pain and the exhaustion.

I finished that marathon in 3hr58min. I told myself that I'd finish in less than 4 hours, and I actually succeeded. It was unbelievable. Thinking about it, even now, I can't help but feel like I can tackle anything, you know? Not many people will ever finish a marathon, and not many people will ever finish in less than 4 hours. I was...elite. I'm hardly elite. I'm hardly special. At least, sometimes, I feel that way.

So I signed up once again, but things changed. I had finished army. Farewell to my free time, farewell to that track, farewell to do friends who I sometimes ran with. I was working too, and running was something I did after work. It's tiring as heck! Having to wake up the next day was painful too. All in all, my preparation wasn't as up to par as the previous marathon...and it showed.

In the midst of that marathon, I thought that maybe I could pull off a miracle here. But alas, no. I finished still, but it was a worse run that the previous two. I finished in 4hr32min, and my finishing photo looks the least glamorous, as seen here. I'm still proud that I finished, but I was admittedly disappointed.

And here we are. I no longer run as often as I used to, or with the same level of passion, or enthusiasm. Previously, I viewed running as a way of life. It was what kept me grounded, and what I organized my life around. It kept me relaxed and it allowed me to unwind, and be myself even for a little while. Now, I'm just so busy with everything else, that running has taken a backseat.

I managed to run semi-regularly even during the school term. But I have a host of excuses now, so I haven't been running as much. In fact, I haven't jogged outdoors in more than a month. I've been mostly confined in the gym; short thirty minutes burst of manic energy, just enough to burn those calories, and keep the fats away, or at least try to.

So times have changed, and I guess that's the point that I'm trying to drive at here. I'm not the same person that I was before. Or maybe I'm the same, and it's just that the circumstances have changed. Either way, I'm no longer running. I'm grappling with other stuff, and even if I want to run away to unwind and relax, I can't. I don't have the time, energy, or motivation do to so.  

But just because I've stopped running doesn't mean that I've stopped doing other things. I'm busy busy busy. It's not summer, it's SMUmmer, and it's terribly tiring. At times, like yesterday, I begin to lose heart, and question why I'm doing this and that. What I need to do is to channel the passion that I had for running into everything else that I'm doing today. I need to figure out my motivations too, which is to (1) be the best, (2) make everybody happy and (3) love everyone.

Today is a new day. I put my best foot forward.

Gotye's a meme now.

PS: None of these were made by me. Found them off the internet, and put them together nicely. Have a good Sunday morning, all!

Working on my CV.

Cover page:

Mum's the world.

Today is Mother's Day. I'm very happy for those who celebrated it. I'm jealous of them too. Unlike them, I didn't, couldn't celebrate it. It's a complicated family life I lead; both parents are overseas. I guess it's something I've grown use to. I've recognized the convenience and freedom it accords to me...but man, sometimes, I really miss them. On holidays like this, it hits hard. Felt like my heart was being squeezed.

I ventured out alone to a Starbucks in the CBD area. Not many people are free to go out, because they're with their family. So I was by myself. I wanted to sit down, send out emails, clear some work, read my book, and do some writing. All around me were mothers being taken out by their husbands and their children. I felt empty, and all of a sudden, I missed my mum. In the middle of Starbucks, I started tearing up.

I really really really miss her. She loves me unconditionally, but I don't always appreciate it. She cares for me, and she tries her best to give me the best life that I can have. I'm ungrateful, like scum, sometimes. She's sacrificed plenty...ahh fuck it. Fuck, I don't want to disappoint her. I want her to be proud of me, I want her to look at me, and feel that all the sacrifices she's made in the past is worth it. I want to give her an easy life, and I want to support her as she gets older, as she's supporting me now.

I love you mum. I'll do you proud.

Mother's Day

I miss my mum. She's overseas at the moment. It's tough having her away for long periods of time. Uhhh, fuck this shit. I wish that life was simpler sometimes.

Tearing up in a Starbucks is not cool.