#jokes

Ughh. Long day. Had a 3-hour lecture in the morning which basically disregarded MBTI. My personality-type, according to that test, is INFP, and I like being an INFP. I'm supposed to be a healer, an idealist...the next Shakespeare. When my professor came and dismissed it, I felt inclined to argue back, but I didn't. I did raise up some interesting points at some other part of the class, so yeah, I'm quite happy for that.

My group ambushed the professor during the break, and I think we took up way too much time. Some group mates just kept asking questions. I hope my classmates didn't mind.

After MPW was my Marketing Quiz. I had a lot of apprehension coming into the quiz, because I didn't read the textbook in great detail. It was too many pages, and...yeah, I got lazy. I skimmed through, paying attention when I felt like it, when I saw bold or italic-ed words, and when I saw a pretty picture. In the end, I think the paper was quite simple. Glad that it went okay.

Lunch at Koufu with some random BE people, and then a Management Accounting meeting. We had a consultation with our professor. She's a really nice lady! After the consultation, we had a group meeting which went slightly crazy. I'm with 4 girls, and it's fun! I'm not sure whether our project is going in the right direction, but at least we have quite a good name for our proposed cafe. It's called Owls&. It's pronounced "Owls And." And what? I don't know man, but it's awesome.

After MA meeting, I went to the gym, and then I went for dinner at Koufu (again), and then I had a meeting, which was more fun than I anticipated. I don't know why I was dreading it. It's for VPH, this event I'm organizing. Things are coming together, yet there are some...shortcomings. Nothing to be done about it though. It's complicated this year, and it's taking a real effort to make sure that things are ironed out nicely.

Went home with my friend and then here I am! I wanted to study finance for a little bit, but my excuse is that my brain isn't working properly now, so anything I try to study is futile. Instead, I read through my marketing project case study. Looks doable!

No school tomorrow, thankfully, but I'll be spending the day studying Finance. Whee. Okay, I'm OUT!

Let us make a name for ourselves.

Here I am again. Today was a relatively good day. I went to study with a friend at Changi Centre Point, and there I met her other friend, and just like that, I made a friend. Later in the evening, I met this friend's boyfriend, and what do you know, yet another friend.

Okay, I'm not sure whether that qualifies as friendship, but I like it - meeting new people, learning about who they are and what they're all about. People are really interesting, and I guess it's especially fun when there's no vested interest in meeting them. You know, you're not networking, or collaborating...just people connecting.

My productivity wasn't at it's best. Couldn't settle into the environment. We were at Coffee Bean at first, but we got chased out because they have a strict policy regarding using their place to study during peak hours. We moved to this other place called Barista, and it's not bad. It's empty, at least, and there's power plugs, and Wi-Fi, and it should really be getting more attention that it deserves.

I caught up a bit on Finance and I really liked it. I think I'm not very suited to learning in a classroom setting. They always emphasize on the interaction that is so prominent in a seminar, but realistically speaking, this is very limited in content-heavy subjects like Finance and Management Accounting. I don't have what it takes to pay attention, but when I go back and do my own studying, everything falls into place.

Maybe I just need to prepare better for seminars so I won't get lost so easily. Oh well, I'll try to prepare better.

Dinner was at Texas Fried Chicken. I wanted to eat less. Oh well. Two pieces of chicken. It's inevitable that you compare it to Popeyes. I must say that I prefer Popeyes. The chicken just taste more...juicy? Tasty? Whatever. The mashed potato at Popeyes and the biscuits are way better too.

Okay, I'm out. There's a Marketing Quiz tomorrow worth 18%. It's relatively simple - 25 MCQ and 2 Short-Answer Questions...but the fact that it's worth almost a fifth of my grade is worrying, so I'm going to do a bit of revision before going off to sleep.

Goodnight friends!

Force.

I am forcing myself to write. I don't have a clear message, or purpose, but I write on anyway. It's like how sometimes, you put an empty canvas in front of you, and you cross your fingers and you hope that something good will come out of it. It's the same with this. As the words fill the empty space, I hope that something wonderful will be produced. It's heartening, to an extent, because where once, there was nothing, now, there is something.

Where once, me and you had no connection, as you read this, we forge one, and I hope that you can get to know me better. Because you know me, of my existence, I feel more alive. I'm not sure whether that makes sense.

There are specific things that I want to write about, but I can't. I physically and emotionally can't. It's like when I begin to think about it, my breathing gets ragged, my mind becomes empty and I shiver and shake. It's quite bad. Maybe one day...but not today. Not anytime soon too.

School is in full-swing and the midterms, quizzes and presentations are knocking at my door. I sit in front of my laptop and I ignore those knocks. Or at least try to. Right now, it doesn't feel particularly important - all these things. Ultimately, I don't know how this will affect me in the long run. The grades will, for sure, but I think that scoring wouldn't be a problem. Or maybe I'm disillusioned.

I want to focus better. I want to find out what I want to do, what I meant to do. And I want to dedicate my life to a higher purpose. Right now, I'm just going through it, and it's making me very uncomfortable. I'm starting to question everything that I do, questioning every single day. I'm still keeping up, and doing my work, but I think my motivations are wrong. I don't want to look bad, ever, and there is the root of my problem - I'm seeking validation base on how others see me, and not whether I actually like what I'm doing.

But maybe that's the way life is? I don't know. If you can tell me, great, go ahead.

Please, blow my mind.

Behind the scenes.

This afternoon marked the end of the BEhind The Scenes camp organized by my CCA, SMU Broadcast and Entertainment. It's an anomaly of a camp - most camps happen over summer. It's already two weeks into the semester, classes are in sessions, homeworks are due, yet, here we are, spending a whole weekend in school. 

I didn't like the idea at first, and I still don't, but I enjoyed myself nevertheless. I like my CCA, and I like the people in it. I like the freshies I had, and the experiences we had, even just slacking around randomly, were enjoyable. 

We have a whole bunch of very enthusiastic freshmen coming in. While the camp wasn't successful, or particularly good in itself, I think that having such a lively crowd elevated the camp to greater heights. Fantastic performances were had and amazing videos were aired. The worry now is whether we as a CCA will be able to accomodate their energy. Our fundamentals aren't quite there yet, to be honest.

But on another subject, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching. I have a problem. I don't know quite know what I'm doing with my life. Umm...I guess not many people do...but I want to put myself to task as soon as possible. I want to find a path, and then go down that path, and never fucking look back.

I'll be posting more often now. Good news for all!

First Day

It's nice to be back in school again. During summer, there's this constant worry that you need to make full use of your time, to live life to the fullest, to do something worthwhile, and to have fun. When I'm in school, there's less of this pressure, and in a way, I'm relieved.

Sure, things will get hard and heavy once again, but for now, I'm just rolling with it. It's a renewed focus, which has been missing in my life, for a while now. I didn't have school today, but I went anyway. Gymed in the morning, had lunch at Sunshine Plaza, hang around, and then had a meeting. A typical day in SMU.

Tomorrow, my first lesson will begin. Maybe only then will reality really sink in. I just went through my first set of slides. It doesn't seem that tough. There's homework, which I should really do, but...first lesson lah, just chill first, hor?

Some of my friends are thinking about their future, and so am I. It's very exciting. Once my event is out of the way, I'll be focusing on...I don't know. Something! It'll be awesome. I trust that I'll find my way...I just need to free myself up. Maybe I've been trying so hard to fill that damn cup...maybe somebody will fill that cup for me? I don't know hahaha.

Okay, out.

On Summer

It's been a long summer, but I feel like I've achieved very little. I did a lot, but in the overall scheme of things, where does it all fit in? I don't know myself. Maybe everything I did will pay off, and maybe it won't. Who knows. All I know is that I'm really tired of it, and I need a break. I need to take a step back, and look at where things stand. Because the thing is...I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I can't stand it anymore.

Time will pass whether we like it or not, and we grow older, and there are many things we can accomplish in that little precious time. It pains me, physically at this point, that I'm not going in the direction that I want to go.

I'm doing things, and I'm busy, but there's a big difference between doing things and living life. I want to live, and live by my own terms, on my own accord. I feel suffocated, at times. Like there's a huge boa constrictor which has coiled itself around me. It has it's body around mine, my legs and my arms are immobilized, and it's wrapped itself around my neck. I can still breathe, but at the same time, I can't.

Did I have fun? Yes. Did I make friends? Yes. Did I learn from this whole experience? Yes. But I still feel this way, and I can't help that I feel this way, so something must be wrong.

So what happens now? I don't know, really. All I know is I've got to take charge of my own life, and live it on my own terms. As I lay away at night, I realize that...for now, I'm alone in this. Okay, that's a bit overly-dramatic, but not too far from the truth. I don't think many people can relate to the inner-turmoil, and whatever bullshit that I'm facing. That's not to say that other people don't have problems, but I'm always very...independent in the way that I face them. I take it upon myself too much, and I beat myself black and blue over everything, even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm not Superman, but I'm trying to be. Nobody expects me to be Superman; I expect me to be Superman. Who's the first person that Superman has to save? Superman has to save himself.

PS: Please don't judge. I'm just trying to be a better person. Also, writing like this makes me feel loads better.

New T-Shirt Alert

Hello there. It's been a while. It's been a tiring and stressful couple of weeks. Summer, they call it. But for me, it's been busy and tiring and I don't ever want to do this anymore. Essentially, I signed myself up for too many things, and by the time I realize that it's too many things, it's too late for me to back out. Now, I have to grit my teeth and slowly cross events off. I do my best, and I try to make the most out of things...but it's nevertheless exhausting.

When you're tired, you start to lose sight of yourself. And that's what I've been all this time - tired. And when you're tired all the time, you forget who you are anymore. I haven't been running, and reading, and writing - things which used to define me. I haven't lost interest. I just lost the time and energy to pursue them actively.

On the bright side, things are starting to wind down. I can finally breathe easier. Coming up are more manageable things, less stressful things. I'm going to try to take it easy, but I realize that taking things easy doesn't come naturally to me. I get stressed, and I panic, and I tire myself out. I do an okay job at the end of the day, I guess, but if I have to go through so much pain, then it's not really worth it , is it?

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Man, I hope not. It's so depressing to think about. I want to be carefree again. I want to be myself again. I want to not worry about so many things again. 

I want to do whatever the fuck I want to do again. I haven't been selfish enough.

Anyway, earlier today, I popped by Zara and I made a purchase. I don't generally buy things on an impulse, but this t-shirt was just too perfect. 

I don't know what it's supposed to mean when I wear it. Does my life rock? I don't know. Is it an ironic tee? I don't know. All I know is that it's the kind of tee which will have people scratching their heads, and wondering what the hell. There's also a pun in there too, and I like puns which rock.

Actually...I have many things to be thankful for. Despite all the things I'm involved in, there are people (1 person particularly :)) who've stuck with me through it all, and have been very supportive. I'm eternally grateful. I've also met some great people, so it's not all terrible. I'm learning too, and I'm growing, and I hope I'll come out as a better person from all of this.

I just don't want to be so tired anymore hahaha. It'll all be over in the next coming two weeks. I wish for the strength to go through it with enthusiasm, energy...and just...I want to do my best, yeah.

See you soon! I'll try to post again tomorrow, but no promises. I'm shit with promises. :\