November 28th. Thursday. Loss.

I had a chance to watch this movie called "You Are The Apple of My Eye" yesterday evening. It's the exams period, but I found myself at that lull between papers - my next one is only on Monday and Wednesday. Once I start studying, I don't stop, so if I started early, it'll be a battle all the way until then. As such, I took a break.

It's a love story about a guy and that girl he liked when he was in secondary school, and how that loved develops over the years. At first, they don't even know each other, and then, bit by bit, they start to interact, and everything unfolds from there. There's sweet moments, bitter sweet moments, and plain bitter moments.

It's interesting, because I guess everybody can relate to that feeling, and everybody's trying to get back that feeling, because it's nice. But then again, I guess that that feeling is just a luxury, in the sense that...back then we were so carefree. No longer. No longer.

I want to be lovestruck, but I'm busy being life-struck. I realize that time is flowing, and that it's not waiting for me, and that if I don't get my act together now, there's a high chance that I never will. I feel very inadequate at the moment, you see, but that's not because I'm not awesome, or anything like that. It's because my benchmark for awesome is not there.

Quantifiable things are good, but life is full of things that aren't readily quantifiable.

I'll end it on that note. I think I should start studying for my papers. Exams aren't important, to me, but you might as well do well in them.

Project December

I haven't written much at all these past few months. Despite all my initial resolve and fire to blog and write more regularly, I have nothing much to show now. I think it's just the way life works. Or maybe it's just me. I begin things in earnest, but when reality catches up to me, I drop it just like that.

It's exams season now in SMU. Most of the days are spent studying, trying to catch up to things which you should have studied, and trying to internalize everything that you should have learned. I would be having an easier time now if I had worked harder or paid more attention during lessons, but I didn't.

I kind of regret it. One of the papers I'm studying for is Finance 101. I used to think that it difficult, but the more I get into it, the more I realize that it's not that big of a deal. As I do more questions and as I understand the "hard" concepts, I grow to like it more and more. Perhaps it's Stockholm Syndrome at work...but the problem here is that now, I've already chosen my modules for the next term, and I've sort of decided on the path that I'm going to take.

But maybe I just might change...

Oh well. If I take Finance, I'll go down "that" route. But I don't want to go down any route just yet. I still harbour dreams of being a superstar, of being...somebody. What's my definition of somebody? I want to be known, and successful, without having to change the fundamentals of who I am. I want to write and be successful, tweet and be successful, live and be successful. I guess this will justify the way I've been living, and justification is something I need, because it feels like nothing much is going right.

But I don't want to change.

Anyway, this post is titled Project December, and serves as a prelude to well, Project December. All through December, I'll make a post. It will be about anything, and everything. Actually, I might even do my own NaNoWriMo if inspiration strikes me. I'll see how it goes. December is the "winter" break (although let's be honest to ourselves, the only coldness we feel is the one in our hearts), and I think I'll have more free time to do whatever.

See you on December 1st.

Long Days

I am very sleepy. Today was such a long day. Oh man. Tired. Going to nap. I want to write more tomorrow, and I shall.

Find My Voice

Today was quite good. I didn't do much at the start, and I was very antsy. I couldn't really focus on my work. And then half-way through the day, I misplaced my matric card, and couldn't settle down. I finally found it, in some corner of the studio, but it took a while for me to be ready for anything again. My heart was really pounding - if I were to spend another $50 replacing my matric card, I'd stab myself. In the eye.

I resolved to go for a jog at the gym, and it turned my day around. CTV training was fun, and after that, we got some beer from Cheers and just chilled out at the Studio. It's a really nice place - it's home, for lack of a better word. I bumped into a JC friend too, and she was having beer with some of her friends, whom I knew too, so I joined them for a little while.

It was great fun.

It's packed all the way through Saturday. There's a Finance midterm on Saturday which I'm not fully prepared for, so I'll be spending the whole of tomorrow getting ready for that. There's two meetings tomorrow two, and a few more things to settle in between, and then Law Musical at the end of the day. I could have picked a better timing, but oh well. Saturday is plenty busy too, because after the midterms, there's a whole host of stuff to be cleared.

It's life. It's fun, it's busy, and it's really tiring. Sometimes, I find myself switching off, and zoning out, and being really tired. I think what's important is to find the things which will set you right again. For me, it's exercising. And coffee. And enough rest. Speaking of rest, I should sleep. Goodnight!

#jokes

Ughh. Long day. Had a 3-hour lecture in the morning which basically disregarded MBTI. My personality-type, according to that test, is INFP, and I like being an INFP. I'm supposed to be a healer, an idealist...the next Shakespeare. When my professor came and dismissed it, I felt inclined to argue back, but I didn't. I did raise up some interesting points at some other part of the class, so yeah, I'm quite happy for that.

My group ambushed the professor during the break, and I think we took up way too much time. Some group mates just kept asking questions. I hope my classmates didn't mind.

After MPW was my Marketing Quiz. I had a lot of apprehension coming into the quiz, because I didn't read the textbook in great detail. It was too many pages, and...yeah, I got lazy. I skimmed through, paying attention when I felt like it, when I saw bold or italic-ed words, and when I saw a pretty picture. In the end, I think the paper was quite simple. Glad that it went okay.

Lunch at Koufu with some random BE people, and then a Management Accounting meeting. We had a consultation with our professor. She's a really nice lady! After the consultation, we had a group meeting which went slightly crazy. I'm with 4 girls, and it's fun! I'm not sure whether our project is going in the right direction, but at least we have quite a good name for our proposed cafe. It's called Owls&. It's pronounced "Owls And." And what? I don't know man, but it's awesome.

After MA meeting, I went to the gym, and then I went for dinner at Koufu (again), and then I had a meeting, which was more fun than I anticipated. I don't know why I was dreading it. It's for VPH, this event I'm organizing. Things are coming together, yet there are some...shortcomings. Nothing to be done about it though. It's complicated this year, and it's taking a real effort to make sure that things are ironed out nicely.

Went home with my friend and then here I am! I wanted to study finance for a little bit, but my excuse is that my brain isn't working properly now, so anything I try to study is futile. Instead, I read through my marketing project case study. Looks doable!

No school tomorrow, thankfully, but I'll be spending the day studying Finance. Whee. Okay, I'm OUT!

Let us make a name for ourselves.

Here I am again. Today was a relatively good day. I went to study with a friend at Changi Centre Point, and there I met her other friend, and just like that, I made a friend. Later in the evening, I met this friend's boyfriend, and what do you know, yet another friend.

Okay, I'm not sure whether that qualifies as friendship, but I like it - meeting new people, learning about who they are and what they're all about. People are really interesting, and I guess it's especially fun when there's no vested interest in meeting them. You know, you're not networking, or collaborating...just people connecting.

My productivity wasn't at it's best. Couldn't settle into the environment. We were at Coffee Bean at first, but we got chased out because they have a strict policy regarding using their place to study during peak hours. We moved to this other place called Barista, and it's not bad. It's empty, at least, and there's power plugs, and Wi-Fi, and it should really be getting more attention that it deserves.

I caught up a bit on Finance and I really liked it. I think I'm not very suited to learning in a classroom setting. They always emphasize on the interaction that is so prominent in a seminar, but realistically speaking, this is very limited in content-heavy subjects like Finance and Management Accounting. I don't have what it takes to pay attention, but when I go back and do my own studying, everything falls into place.

Maybe I just need to prepare better for seminars so I won't get lost so easily. Oh well, I'll try to prepare better.

Dinner was at Texas Fried Chicken. I wanted to eat less. Oh well. Two pieces of chicken. It's inevitable that you compare it to Popeyes. I must say that I prefer Popeyes. The chicken just taste more...juicy? Tasty? Whatever. The mashed potato at Popeyes and the biscuits are way better too.

Okay, I'm out. There's a Marketing Quiz tomorrow worth 18%. It's relatively simple - 25 MCQ and 2 Short-Answer Questions...but the fact that it's worth almost a fifth of my grade is worrying, so I'm going to do a bit of revision before going off to sleep.

Goodnight friends!

Force.

I am forcing myself to write. I don't have a clear message, or purpose, but I write on anyway. It's like how sometimes, you put an empty canvas in front of you, and you cross your fingers and you hope that something good will come out of it. It's the same with this. As the words fill the empty space, I hope that something wonderful will be produced. It's heartening, to an extent, because where once, there was nothing, now, there is something.

Where once, me and you had no connection, as you read this, we forge one, and I hope that you can get to know me better. Because you know me, of my existence, I feel more alive. I'm not sure whether that makes sense.

There are specific things that I want to write about, but I can't. I physically and emotionally can't. It's like when I begin to think about it, my breathing gets ragged, my mind becomes empty and I shiver and shake. It's quite bad. Maybe one day...but not today. Not anytime soon too.

School is in full-swing and the midterms, quizzes and presentations are knocking at my door. I sit in front of my laptop and I ignore those knocks. Or at least try to. Right now, it doesn't feel particularly important - all these things. Ultimately, I don't know how this will affect me in the long run. The grades will, for sure, but I think that scoring wouldn't be a problem. Or maybe I'm disillusioned.

I want to focus better. I want to find out what I want to do, what I meant to do. And I want to dedicate my life to a higher purpose. Right now, I'm just going through it, and it's making me very uncomfortable. I'm starting to question everything that I do, questioning every single day. I'm still keeping up, and doing my work, but I think my motivations are wrong. I don't want to look bad, ever, and there is the root of my problem - I'm seeking validation base on how others see me, and not whether I actually like what I'm doing.

But maybe that's the way life is? I don't know. If you can tell me, great, go ahead.

Please, blow my mind.