First Day

It's nice to be back in school again. During summer, there's this constant worry that you need to make full use of your time, to live life to the fullest, to do something worthwhile, and to have fun. When I'm in school, there's less of this pressure, and in a way, I'm relieved.

Sure, things will get hard and heavy once again, but for now, I'm just rolling with it. It's a renewed focus, which has been missing in my life, for a while now. I didn't have school today, but I went anyway. Gymed in the morning, had lunch at Sunshine Plaza, hang around, and then had a meeting. A typical day in SMU.

Tomorrow, my first lesson will begin. Maybe only then will reality really sink in. I just went through my first set of slides. It doesn't seem that tough. There's homework, which I should really do, but...first lesson lah, just chill first, hor?

Some of my friends are thinking about their future, and so am I. It's very exciting. Once my event is out of the way, I'll be focusing on...I don't know. Something! It'll be awesome. I trust that I'll find my way...I just need to free myself up. Maybe I've been trying so hard to fill that damn cup...maybe somebody will fill that cup for me? I don't know hahaha.

Okay, out.

On Summer

It's been a long summer, but I feel like I've achieved very little. I did a lot, but in the overall scheme of things, where does it all fit in? I don't know myself. Maybe everything I did will pay off, and maybe it won't. Who knows. All I know is that I'm really tired of it, and I need a break. I need to take a step back, and look at where things stand. Because the thing is...I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I can't stand it anymore.

Time will pass whether we like it or not, and we grow older, and there are many things we can accomplish in that little precious time. It pains me, physically at this point, that I'm not going in the direction that I want to go.

I'm doing things, and I'm busy, but there's a big difference between doing things and living life. I want to live, and live by my own terms, on my own accord. I feel suffocated, at times. Like there's a huge boa constrictor which has coiled itself around me. It has it's body around mine, my legs and my arms are immobilized, and it's wrapped itself around my neck. I can still breathe, but at the same time, I can't.

Did I have fun? Yes. Did I make friends? Yes. Did I learn from this whole experience? Yes. But I still feel this way, and I can't help that I feel this way, so something must be wrong.

So what happens now? I don't know, really. All I know is I've got to take charge of my own life, and live it on my own terms. As I lay away at night, I realize that...for now, I'm alone in this. Okay, that's a bit overly-dramatic, but not too far from the truth. I don't think many people can relate to the inner-turmoil, and whatever bullshit that I'm facing. That's not to say that other people don't have problems, but I'm always very...independent in the way that I face them. I take it upon myself too much, and I beat myself black and blue over everything, even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm not Superman, but I'm trying to be. Nobody expects me to be Superman; I expect me to be Superman. Who's the first person that Superman has to save? Superman has to save himself.

PS: Please don't judge. I'm just trying to be a better person. Also, writing like this makes me feel loads better.