It's been a long summer, but I feel like I've achieved very
little. I did a lot, but in the overall scheme of things, where does it all fit
in? I don't know myself. Maybe everything I did will pay off, and maybe it
won't. Who knows. All I know is that I'm really tired of it, and I need a
break. I need to take a step back, and look at where things stand. Because the
thing is...I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I
can't stand it anymore.
Time will pass whether we like it or not, and we grow older,
and there are many things we can accomplish in that little precious time. It
pains me, physically at this point, that I'm not going in the direction that I
want to go.
I'm doing things, and I'm busy, but there's a big difference
between doing things and living life. I want to live, and live by my own terms,
on my own accord. I feel suffocated, at times. Like there's a huge boa
constrictor which has coiled itself around me. It has it's body around mine, my
legs and my arms are immobilized, and it's wrapped itself around my neck. I can
still breathe, but at the same time, I can't.
Did I have fun? Yes. Did I make friends? Yes. Did I learn
from this whole experience? Yes. But I still feel this way, and I can't help
that I feel this way, so something must be wrong.
So what happens now? I don't know, really. All I know is
I've got to take charge of my own life, and live it on my own terms. As I lay
away at night, I realize that...for now, I'm alone in this. Okay, that's a bit
overly-dramatic, but not too far from the truth. I don't think many people can
relate to the inner-turmoil, and whatever bullshit that I'm facing. That's not
to say that other people don't have problems, but I'm always very...independent
in the way that I face them. I take it upon myself too much, and I beat myself
black and blue over everything, even though I know I shouldn't.
I'm not Superman, but I'm trying to be. Nobody expects me to
be Superman; I expect me to be Superman. Who's the first person that Superman
has to save? Superman has to save himself.
PS: Please don't judge. I'm just trying to be a better
person. Also, writing like this makes me feel loads better.
No comments:
Post a Comment