Best foot forward.

It's been about a year since my last marathon. I recall fondly those days I spent running. It was an everyday thing - I either ran really early in the morning or late in the evening. I planned my days and my weeks around running. You have to, you see. You can't just run distances exceeding 20km on a whim. Before that, you need to get enough rest, ingest to right nutrition, and make sure the weather's not too hot. When I didn't run, it's because I had to rest, and when I missed a run, I felt like there was something missing from my day.

Of course, those days are long gone. I had more free time then. When I started running regularly, I was in the army. Running was part of the routine, and even on days where we didn't run, there was time to do it on your own. The camp I was in had a fantastic running route, and a track, and a gym, and I loved it. After seeing some seniors wearing the marathon shirts, I finally gathered up the courage to sign up for my first marathon, and I took it seriously. If you know me, you'd know that I take most things seriously. If they can do it, then why can't I?

I trained hard for 6 months, and finished with an impressive timing of 4hr25mins. The run was a breeze initially, as with all marathons, and then I started suffering. My legs turned to steel, my breathing became more ragged, etc, so on and so forth. I grit my teeth, pulled through, and when I crossed the finish line, I felt happy. I reached home in the morning, took a nap, and went out that very same afternoon, fatigued, but walking around proudly in my hard-earned finisher tee.

The marathon itself was painful, but I really liked the experience. And I thought that I could have done better. And I still had the luxury of being able to run. So I signed up for yet another one. I trained harder than ever, incorporating fartleks and hill runs, reading up on running literature, and increasing my overall mileage. If you had been my friend on FB then, you would have seen me posting that I had just run 22km, 24km and my maximum, 34km.

Running's a very solitary activity, at least, that's how I view it. It's intensely meditative. Kind of like how monks sit cross-legged with their eyes closed, only I'm on the move, feet stomping in rhythm, breathing vigorously, trying not to think about the pain and the exhaustion.

I finished that marathon in 3hr58min. I told myself that I'd finish in less than 4 hours, and I actually succeeded. It was unbelievable. Thinking about it, even now, I can't help but feel like I can tackle anything, you know? Not many people will ever finish a marathon, and not many people will ever finish in less than 4 hours. I was...elite. I'm hardly elite. I'm hardly special. At least, sometimes, I feel that way.

So I signed up once again, but things changed. I had finished army. Farewell to my free time, farewell to that track, farewell to do friends who I sometimes ran with. I was working too, and running was something I did after work. It's tiring as heck! Having to wake up the next day was painful too. All in all, my preparation wasn't as up to par as the previous marathon...and it showed.

In the midst of that marathon, I thought that maybe I could pull off a miracle here. But alas, no. I finished still, but it was a worse run that the previous two. I finished in 4hr32min, and my finishing photo looks the least glamorous, as seen here. I'm still proud that I finished, but I was admittedly disappointed.

And here we are. I no longer run as often as I used to, or with the same level of passion, or enthusiasm. Previously, I viewed running as a way of life. It was what kept me grounded, and what I organized my life around. It kept me relaxed and it allowed me to unwind, and be myself even for a little while. Now, I'm just so busy with everything else, that running has taken a backseat.

I managed to run semi-regularly even during the school term. But I have a host of excuses now, so I haven't been running as much. In fact, I haven't jogged outdoors in more than a month. I've been mostly confined in the gym; short thirty minutes burst of manic energy, just enough to burn those calories, and keep the fats away, or at least try to.

So times have changed, and I guess that's the point that I'm trying to drive at here. I'm not the same person that I was before. Or maybe I'm the same, and it's just that the circumstances have changed. Either way, I'm no longer running. I'm grappling with other stuff, and even if I want to run away to unwind and relax, I can't. I don't have the time, energy, or motivation do to so.  

But just because I've stopped running doesn't mean that I've stopped doing other things. I'm busy busy busy. It's not summer, it's SMUmmer, and it's terribly tiring. At times, like yesterday, I begin to lose heart, and question why I'm doing this and that. What I need to do is to channel the passion that I had for running into everything else that I'm doing today. I need to figure out my motivations too, which is to (1) be the best, (2) make everybody happy and (3) love everyone.

Today is a new day. I put my best foot forward.