New T-Shirt Alert

Hello there. It's been a while. It's been a tiring and stressful couple of weeks. Summer, they call it. But for me, it's been busy and tiring and I don't ever want to do this anymore. Essentially, I signed myself up for too many things, and by the time I realize that it's too many things, it's too late for me to back out. Now, I have to grit my teeth and slowly cross events off. I do my best, and I try to make the most out of things...but it's nevertheless exhausting.

When you're tired, you start to lose sight of yourself. And that's what I've been all this time - tired. And when you're tired all the time, you forget who you are anymore. I haven't been running, and reading, and writing - things which used to define me. I haven't lost interest. I just lost the time and energy to pursue them actively.

On the bright side, things are starting to wind down. I can finally breathe easier. Coming up are more manageable things, less stressful things. I'm going to try to take it easy, but I realize that taking things easy doesn't come naturally to me. I get stressed, and I panic, and I tire myself out. I do an okay job at the end of the day, I guess, but if I have to go through so much pain, then it's not really worth it , is it?

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Man, I hope not. It's so depressing to think about. I want to be carefree again. I want to be myself again. I want to not worry about so many things again. 

I want to do whatever the fuck I want to do again. I haven't been selfish enough.

Anyway, earlier today, I popped by Zara and I made a purchase. I don't generally buy things on an impulse, but this t-shirt was just too perfect. 

I don't know what it's supposed to mean when I wear it. Does my life rock? I don't know. Is it an ironic tee? I don't know. All I know is that it's the kind of tee which will have people scratching their heads, and wondering what the hell. There's also a pun in there too, and I like puns which rock.

Actually...I have many things to be thankful for. Despite all the things I'm involved in, there are people (1 person particularly :)) who've stuck with me through it all, and have been very supportive. I'm eternally grateful. I've also met some great people, so it's not all terrible. I'm learning too, and I'm growing, and I hope I'll come out as a better person from all of this.

I just don't want to be so tired anymore hahaha. It'll all be over in the next coming two weeks. I wish for the strength to go through it with enthusiasm, energy...and just...I want to do my best, yeah.

See you soon! I'll try to post again tomorrow, but no promises. I'm shit with promises. :\ 

Best foot forward.

It's been about a year since my last marathon. I recall fondly those days I spent running. It was an everyday thing - I either ran really early in the morning or late in the evening. I planned my days and my weeks around running. You have to, you see. You can't just run distances exceeding 20km on a whim. Before that, you need to get enough rest, ingest to right nutrition, and make sure the weather's not too hot. When I didn't run, it's because I had to rest, and when I missed a run, I felt like there was something missing from my day.

Of course, those days are long gone. I had more free time then. When I started running regularly, I was in the army. Running was part of the routine, and even on days where we didn't run, there was time to do it on your own. The camp I was in had a fantastic running route, and a track, and a gym, and I loved it. After seeing some seniors wearing the marathon shirts, I finally gathered up the courage to sign up for my first marathon, and I took it seriously. If you know me, you'd know that I take most things seriously. If they can do it, then why can't I?

I trained hard for 6 months, and finished with an impressive timing of 4hr25mins. The run was a breeze initially, as with all marathons, and then I started suffering. My legs turned to steel, my breathing became more ragged, etc, so on and so forth. I grit my teeth, pulled through, and when I crossed the finish line, I felt happy. I reached home in the morning, took a nap, and went out that very same afternoon, fatigued, but walking around proudly in my hard-earned finisher tee.

The marathon itself was painful, but I really liked the experience. And I thought that I could have done better. And I still had the luxury of being able to run. So I signed up for yet another one. I trained harder than ever, incorporating fartleks and hill runs, reading up on running literature, and increasing my overall mileage. If you had been my friend on FB then, you would have seen me posting that I had just run 22km, 24km and my maximum, 34km.

Running's a very solitary activity, at least, that's how I view it. It's intensely meditative. Kind of like how monks sit cross-legged with their eyes closed, only I'm on the move, feet stomping in rhythm, breathing vigorously, trying not to think about the pain and the exhaustion.

I finished that marathon in 3hr58min. I told myself that I'd finish in less than 4 hours, and I actually succeeded. It was unbelievable. Thinking about it, even now, I can't help but feel like I can tackle anything, you know? Not many people will ever finish a marathon, and not many people will ever finish in less than 4 hours. I was...elite. I'm hardly elite. I'm hardly special. At least, sometimes, I feel that way.

So I signed up once again, but things changed. I had finished army. Farewell to my free time, farewell to that track, farewell to do friends who I sometimes ran with. I was working too, and running was something I did after work. It's tiring as heck! Having to wake up the next day was painful too. All in all, my preparation wasn't as up to par as the previous marathon...and it showed.

In the midst of that marathon, I thought that maybe I could pull off a miracle here. But alas, no. I finished still, but it was a worse run that the previous two. I finished in 4hr32min, and my finishing photo looks the least glamorous, as seen here. I'm still proud that I finished, but I was admittedly disappointed.

And here we are. I no longer run as often as I used to, or with the same level of passion, or enthusiasm. Previously, I viewed running as a way of life. It was what kept me grounded, and what I organized my life around. It kept me relaxed and it allowed me to unwind, and be myself even for a little while. Now, I'm just so busy with everything else, that running has taken a backseat.

I managed to run semi-regularly even during the school term. But I have a host of excuses now, so I haven't been running as much. In fact, I haven't jogged outdoors in more than a month. I've been mostly confined in the gym; short thirty minutes burst of manic energy, just enough to burn those calories, and keep the fats away, or at least try to.

So times have changed, and I guess that's the point that I'm trying to drive at here. I'm not the same person that I was before. Or maybe I'm the same, and it's just that the circumstances have changed. Either way, I'm no longer running. I'm grappling with other stuff, and even if I want to run away to unwind and relax, I can't. I don't have the time, energy, or motivation do to so.  

But just because I've stopped running doesn't mean that I've stopped doing other things. I'm busy busy busy. It's not summer, it's SMUmmer, and it's terribly tiring. At times, like yesterday, I begin to lose heart, and question why I'm doing this and that. What I need to do is to channel the passion that I had for running into everything else that I'm doing today. I need to figure out my motivations too, which is to (1) be the best, (2) make everybody happy and (3) love everyone.

Today is a new day. I put my best foot forward.

Gotye's a meme now.

PS: None of these were made by me. Found them off the internet, and put them together nicely. Have a good Sunday morning, all!

Working on my CV.

Cover page:

Mum's the world.

Today is Mother's Day. I'm very happy for those who celebrated it. I'm jealous of them too. Unlike them, I didn't, couldn't celebrate it. It's a complicated family life I lead; both parents are overseas. I guess it's something I've grown use to. I've recognized the convenience and freedom it accords to me...but man, sometimes, I really miss them. On holidays like this, it hits hard. Felt like my heart was being squeezed.

I ventured out alone to a Starbucks in the CBD area. Not many people are free to go out, because they're with their family. So I was by myself. I wanted to sit down, send out emails, clear some work, read my book, and do some writing. All around me were mothers being taken out by their husbands and their children. I felt empty, and all of a sudden, I missed my mum. In the middle of Starbucks, I started tearing up.

I really really really miss her. She loves me unconditionally, but I don't always appreciate it. She cares for me, and she tries her best to give me the best life that I can have. I'm ungrateful, like scum, sometimes. She's sacrificed plenty...ahh fuck it. Fuck, I don't want to disappoint her. I want her to be proud of me, I want her to look at me, and feel that all the sacrifices she's made in the past is worth it. I want to give her an easy life, and I want to support her as she gets older, as she's supporting me now.

I love you mum. I'll do you proud.

Mother's Day

I miss my mum. She's overseas at the moment. It's tough having her away for long periods of time. Uhhh, fuck this shit. I wish that life was simpler sometimes.

Tearing up in a Starbucks is not cool.