First Day

It's nice to be back in school again. During summer, there's this constant worry that you need to make full use of your time, to live life to the fullest, to do something worthwhile, and to have fun. When I'm in school, there's less of this pressure, and in a way, I'm relieved.

Sure, things will get hard and heavy once again, but for now, I'm just rolling with it. It's a renewed focus, which has been missing in my life, for a while now. I didn't have school today, but I went anyway. Gymed in the morning, had lunch at Sunshine Plaza, hang around, and then had a meeting. A typical day in SMU.

Tomorrow, my first lesson will begin. Maybe only then will reality really sink in. I just went through my first set of slides. It doesn't seem that tough. There's homework, which I should really do, but...first lesson lah, just chill first, hor?

Some of my friends are thinking about their future, and so am I. It's very exciting. Once my event is out of the way, I'll be focusing on...I don't know. Something! It'll be awesome. I trust that I'll find my way...I just need to free myself up. Maybe I've been trying so hard to fill that damn cup...maybe somebody will fill that cup for me? I don't know hahaha.

Okay, out.

On Summer

It's been a long summer, but I feel like I've achieved very little. I did a lot, but in the overall scheme of things, where does it all fit in? I don't know myself. Maybe everything I did will pay off, and maybe it won't. Who knows. All I know is that I'm really tired of it, and I need a break. I need to take a step back, and look at where things stand. Because the thing is...I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I can't stand it anymore.

Time will pass whether we like it or not, and we grow older, and there are many things we can accomplish in that little precious time. It pains me, physically at this point, that I'm not going in the direction that I want to go.

I'm doing things, and I'm busy, but there's a big difference between doing things and living life. I want to live, and live by my own terms, on my own accord. I feel suffocated, at times. Like there's a huge boa constrictor which has coiled itself around me. It has it's body around mine, my legs and my arms are immobilized, and it's wrapped itself around my neck. I can still breathe, but at the same time, I can't.

Did I have fun? Yes. Did I make friends? Yes. Did I learn from this whole experience? Yes. But I still feel this way, and I can't help that I feel this way, so something must be wrong.

So what happens now? I don't know, really. All I know is I've got to take charge of my own life, and live it on my own terms. As I lay away at night, I realize that...for now, I'm alone in this. Okay, that's a bit overly-dramatic, but not too far from the truth. I don't think many people can relate to the inner-turmoil, and whatever bullshit that I'm facing. That's not to say that other people don't have problems, but I'm always very...independent in the way that I face them. I take it upon myself too much, and I beat myself black and blue over everything, even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm not Superman, but I'm trying to be. Nobody expects me to be Superman; I expect me to be Superman. Who's the first person that Superman has to save? Superman has to save himself.

PS: Please don't judge. I'm just trying to be a better person. Also, writing like this makes me feel loads better.

New T-Shirt Alert

Hello there. It's been a while. It's been a tiring and stressful couple of weeks. Summer, they call it. But for me, it's been busy and tiring and I don't ever want to do this anymore. Essentially, I signed myself up for too many things, and by the time I realize that it's too many things, it's too late for me to back out. Now, I have to grit my teeth and slowly cross events off. I do my best, and I try to make the most out of things...but it's nevertheless exhausting.

When you're tired, you start to lose sight of yourself. And that's what I've been all this time - tired. And when you're tired all the time, you forget who you are anymore. I haven't been running, and reading, and writing - things which used to define me. I haven't lost interest. I just lost the time and energy to pursue them actively.

On the bright side, things are starting to wind down. I can finally breathe easier. Coming up are more manageable things, less stressful things. I'm going to try to take it easy, but I realize that taking things easy doesn't come naturally to me. I get stressed, and I panic, and I tire myself out. I do an okay job at the end of the day, I guess, but if I have to go through so much pain, then it's not really worth it , is it?

Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Man, I hope not. It's so depressing to think about. I want to be carefree again. I want to be myself again. I want to not worry about so many things again. 

I want to do whatever the fuck I want to do again. I haven't been selfish enough.

Anyway, earlier today, I popped by Zara and I made a purchase. I don't generally buy things on an impulse, but this t-shirt was just too perfect. 

I don't know what it's supposed to mean when I wear it. Does my life rock? I don't know. Is it an ironic tee? I don't know. All I know is that it's the kind of tee which will have people scratching their heads, and wondering what the hell. There's also a pun in there too, and I like puns which rock.

Actually...I have many things to be thankful for. Despite all the things I'm involved in, there are people (1 person particularly :)) who've stuck with me through it all, and have been very supportive. I'm eternally grateful. I've also met some great people, so it's not all terrible. I'm learning too, and I'm growing, and I hope I'll come out as a better person from all of this.

I just don't want to be so tired anymore hahaha. It'll all be over in the next coming two weeks. I wish for the strength to go through it with enthusiasm, energy...and just...I want to do my best, yeah.

See you soon! I'll try to post again tomorrow, but no promises. I'm shit with promises. :\ 

Best foot forward.

It's been about a year since my last marathon. I recall fondly those days I spent running. It was an everyday thing - I either ran really early in the morning or late in the evening. I planned my days and my weeks around running. You have to, you see. You can't just run distances exceeding 20km on a whim. Before that, you need to get enough rest, ingest to right nutrition, and make sure the weather's not too hot. When I didn't run, it's because I had to rest, and when I missed a run, I felt like there was something missing from my day.

Of course, those days are long gone. I had more free time then. When I started running regularly, I was in the army. Running was part of the routine, and even on days where we didn't run, there was time to do it on your own. The camp I was in had a fantastic running route, and a track, and a gym, and I loved it. After seeing some seniors wearing the marathon shirts, I finally gathered up the courage to sign up for my first marathon, and I took it seriously. If you know me, you'd know that I take most things seriously. If they can do it, then why can't I?

I trained hard for 6 months, and finished with an impressive timing of 4hr25mins. The run was a breeze initially, as with all marathons, and then I started suffering. My legs turned to steel, my breathing became more ragged, etc, so on and so forth. I grit my teeth, pulled through, and when I crossed the finish line, I felt happy. I reached home in the morning, took a nap, and went out that very same afternoon, fatigued, but walking around proudly in my hard-earned finisher tee.

The marathon itself was painful, but I really liked the experience. And I thought that I could have done better. And I still had the luxury of being able to run. So I signed up for yet another one. I trained harder than ever, incorporating fartleks and hill runs, reading up on running literature, and increasing my overall mileage. If you had been my friend on FB then, you would have seen me posting that I had just run 22km, 24km and my maximum, 34km.

Running's a very solitary activity, at least, that's how I view it. It's intensely meditative. Kind of like how monks sit cross-legged with their eyes closed, only I'm on the move, feet stomping in rhythm, breathing vigorously, trying not to think about the pain and the exhaustion.

I finished that marathon in 3hr58min. I told myself that I'd finish in less than 4 hours, and I actually succeeded. It was unbelievable. Thinking about it, even now, I can't help but feel like I can tackle anything, you know? Not many people will ever finish a marathon, and not many people will ever finish in less than 4 hours. I was...elite. I'm hardly elite. I'm hardly special. At least, sometimes, I feel that way.

So I signed up once again, but things changed. I had finished army. Farewell to my free time, farewell to that track, farewell to do friends who I sometimes ran with. I was working too, and running was something I did after work. It's tiring as heck! Having to wake up the next day was painful too. All in all, my preparation wasn't as up to par as the previous marathon...and it showed.

In the midst of that marathon, I thought that maybe I could pull off a miracle here. But alas, no. I finished still, but it was a worse run that the previous two. I finished in 4hr32min, and my finishing photo looks the least glamorous, as seen here. I'm still proud that I finished, but I was admittedly disappointed.

And here we are. I no longer run as often as I used to, or with the same level of passion, or enthusiasm. Previously, I viewed running as a way of life. It was what kept me grounded, and what I organized my life around. It kept me relaxed and it allowed me to unwind, and be myself even for a little while. Now, I'm just so busy with everything else, that running has taken a backseat.

I managed to run semi-regularly even during the school term. But I have a host of excuses now, so I haven't been running as much. In fact, I haven't jogged outdoors in more than a month. I've been mostly confined in the gym; short thirty minutes burst of manic energy, just enough to burn those calories, and keep the fats away, or at least try to.

So times have changed, and I guess that's the point that I'm trying to drive at here. I'm not the same person that I was before. Or maybe I'm the same, and it's just that the circumstances have changed. Either way, I'm no longer running. I'm grappling with other stuff, and even if I want to run away to unwind and relax, I can't. I don't have the time, energy, or motivation do to so.  

But just because I've stopped running doesn't mean that I've stopped doing other things. I'm busy busy busy. It's not summer, it's SMUmmer, and it's terribly tiring. At times, like yesterday, I begin to lose heart, and question why I'm doing this and that. What I need to do is to channel the passion that I had for running into everything else that I'm doing today. I need to figure out my motivations too, which is to (1) be the best, (2) make everybody happy and (3) love everyone.

Today is a new day. I put my best foot forward.

Gotye's a meme now.

PS: None of these were made by me. Found them off the internet, and put them together nicely. Have a good Sunday morning, all!

Working on my CV.

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