A Leap of Something

After the longest while, I finally found the capacity to write. It's very scatter shot, I know. I scribbled some random sentences onto my notebook, and this is what I got from there. Sometimes, I like to imagine that my life's more simple that it actually is. I just want to focus on writing, but lately, it feels like I'm being pulled in every direction imaginable.

Pining

I'm always running away from something. When I walked out of "us", it was not you I was afraid of. It was the idea of truly committing myself to something bigger than "me". I wasn't sure that I could take care of you, be deserving of you, treat you like the princess that you are. And so, when you asked me whether I loved you, even after you had said you loved me, I couldn't find the words to reply to you. My mouth went dry as a desert. My tongue became a lifeless, and the butterflies in my stomach did a crazy dance.

I remember not giving you an answer, and just hugging you right there and then. I was fully aware that it wasn't the definitive affirmation of my feelings that you were looking for, but you hugged me back anyway. You held on to me, tight. Your feelings were left unreciprocated, but you understood that I wasn't ready to give you an answer yet.

But what if I can never give you an answer that you're looking for? What if I can't ever be honest with you? Because I can't even be honest with myself in the first place.

That was the turning point for us. Like a boat, I let the waves of life carry me away from your shores, and now I'm lost. In the middle of the ocean, nobody can hear me when I cry out your name. My voice echoes into the horizon, into the endless blue, and is lost forever.

-

I saw you walking down that corridor. You held your books to your chest, your head held high, back straight, all smiles. I slowed down my steps, as my heart beat began to quicken. I guess it was impossible to avoid you forever. Maybe it was destiny pulling at our strings, pushing us towards each other. Or maybe it's just a coincidence, like everything else. You were looking forward, and then you noticed me, and then you looked away again, as if I was a scar you'd rather ignore.

Before I could think of anything to say, we walked past each other. For the briefest of moments, I could hear your breathing, and I could feel your heat. I wished for you to stop, but you didn't. As you walked away from me, your footsteps became fainter, and fainter. I imagined that they were the beating of your heart, and of mine too and that our hearts were beating in unison.

My mind raced, thinking of things I could say to get you back. I stopped in my tracks, and stood still in that corridor. The corridor with just me and you. My heart, which I thought was unfeeling, ached and longed for us to be together again. I knew the words, and I said it, but you couldn't hear me. You were too far away.

You walked on. After a while, I could no longer hear your footsteps. Where were you going? I didn't know. Where was I going? Where had I been going? Where am I going now?

I'm lost without you.

PS: Also posted on byraymondangelo.wordpress.com, where I will usually post my fiction stuff.